My Little Einstein

Posted by Becky on September 16, 2009

Also known as Jacob.  Jacob who has a car with no tags. Jacob who has no tags because he has no insurance. Jacob who has no insurance because he has no drivers license. Ah yes, Jacob who has no drivers license because he got a DUI and has yet to go to school where, apparently, they teach you HOW to drink and drive.  At least that appears to be what they taught Joseph.

 But Jacob also has to get to work to pay his bills, to feed his family, etc.  Quite the conundrum., eh? 

 So tonight,  he stops by our house to eat on his way home from work and then I get a call 30 minutes after he’s left beginning with  “Mom?”  Whenever they pose my name as a  question, it’s going to be a pain in my pocketbook. ” Can you come pick me up, please?” Who is this?   Its Jacob, I’m at Arneill  and Dawson”.  There is no such intersection, I point out.  “I’m not at an intersection I’m on the freeway, mom”.  Can’t you call AA?, I ask.  ” Just come drive by and get me please!  I’m at the Dawson exit”.   “Do a drive by!   Now, who is this?’  Wait!  You want me to get on the freeway and get off at Dawson?  “No DON’T get off the Freeway.   Just get on the freeway”.   I’m having so much fun by now it’s truly criminal.  “They are going to tow my car.”  Oh, AA?  “No, the cops!”  What the hell, can’t they give you a ride home? 

So, off I go, I get on the freeway and there is Jacob pulled over by not one but two police cars right there sure as shit before the Dawson exit.  I park behind the popo and wait.  I sat there for so long watching him talk, at one point he looks like he’s taking notes, pointing at things that aren’t there.  Either he’s trying to comprehend some type of directions or he’s on acid.     He gets very animated  when he talks, arms flailing about and what-not and them damn lights keep flashing and I’m about ready to have a  fucking seizure!  I still don’t know what he’s done to warrant two police cars. Finally I see him SHAKE THE HANDS OF THE OFFICERS WTF?  and he picks ups his tool box, hard hat and tool belt and then trudges his crap on over to the back of my pick-up.

Now you need a visual of Jacob’s car. He painted it himself in the Kaiser parking lot in the Valley during the night.  He picked the Kaiser parking lot because they have good lighting.    He had to hurry as it’s illegal to paint in public and all so he had a  homeless guy help him and Jacob bought him a hamburger.  (He’s quite the industrious criminal.  If only he could use his poer for good!)  He painted the car with spray paint,complete with flames on the hood.  He didn’t tape off anything so there are paint drips on his windshield, rear view mirrors and license plate.  He welded a Toyota emblem in a Carpentry class and it’s about a foot in diameter and fits between the trunk and his spoiler.  Oh, yeah, this baby’s got a spoiler.   I’m assuming he’s violated some code  for this hideous vehicle or they got held of video of him painting in public.  Maybe the paint on his windshield or rear view mirrors is a hazard. Oh no, Jacob gets pulled over for no fucking license plate light!  Who gets pulled over for no license plate light?  You have to have your license plate lit up? For real?

 He explains to me that since he was driving with a suspended drivers license they could have impounded his car for 30 days but “these guys were really cool, mom” and they said he can pick his car up in 24 hours.

  Here’s where the Einstein part kicks in.  How does one think they can pick up a car from impound when one has no drivers license, tags or insurance?    

Oh and it gets better.  He wants to borrow money and could I drive him to the  ATM right now?  Um, what was your name again? I told him he can spend the night, Joseph can take him tomorrow to see if he can even get his car, find out what it is going to cost and then have his people call my people around noon.

I had a hundred bucks ear marked for Darwin to get his nuts cut off on Thursday, but now I’m having serious reservations about my own contribution to the gene pool. 

Shh, don’t tell anyone, but I’m beginning to suspect we don’t have a deep end.