Posted by Becky on September 16, 2009
Also known as Jacob. Jacob who has a car with no tags. Jacob who has no tags because he has no insurance. Jacob who has no insurance because he has no drivers license. Ah yes, Jacob who has no drivers license because he got a DUI and has yet to go to school where, apparently, they teach you HOW to drink and drive. At least that appears to be what they taught Joseph.
But Jacob also has to get to work to pay his bills, to feed his family, etc. Quite the conundrum., eh?
So tonight, he stops by our house to eat on his way home from work and then I get a call 30 minutes after he’s left beginning with “Mom?” Whenever they pose my name as a question, it’s going to be a pain in my pocketbook. ” Can you come pick me up, please?” Who is this? Its Jacob, I’m at Arneill and Dawson”. There is no such intersection, I point out. “I’m not at an intersection I’m on the freeway, mom”. Can’t you call AA?, I ask. ” Just come drive by and get me please! I’m at the Dawson exit”. “Do a drive by! Now, who is this?’ Wait! You want me to get on the freeway and get off at Dawson? “No DON’T get off the Freeway. Just get on the freeway”. I’m having so much fun by now it’s truly criminal. “They are going to tow my car.” Oh, AA? “No, the cops!” What the hell, can’t they give you a ride home?
So, off I go, I get on the freeway and there is Jacob pulled over by not one but two police cars right there sure as shit before the Dawson exit. I park behind the popo and wait. I sat there for so long watching him talk, at one point he looks like he’s taking notes, pointing at things that aren’t there. Either he’s trying to comprehend some type of directions or he’s on acid. He gets very animated when he talks, arms flailing about and what-not and them damn lights keep flashing and I’m about ready to have a fucking seizure! I still don’t know what he’s done to warrant two police cars. Finally I see him SHAKE THE HANDS OF THE OFFICERS WTF? and he picks ups his tool box, hard hat and tool belt and then trudges his crap on over to the back of my pick-up.
Now you need a visual of Jacob’s car. He painted it himself in the Kaiser parking lot in the Valley during the night. He picked the Kaiser parking lot because they have good lighting. He had to hurry as it’s illegal to paint in public and all so he had a homeless guy help him and Jacob bought him a hamburger. (He’s quite the industrious criminal. If only he could use his poer for good!) He painted the car with spray paint,complete with flames on the hood. He didn’t tape off anything so there are paint drips on his windshield, rear view mirrors and license plate. He welded a Toyota emblem in a Carpentry class and it’s about a foot in diameter and fits between the trunk and his spoiler. Oh, yeah, this baby’s got a spoiler. I’m assuming he’s violated some code for this hideous vehicle or they got held of video of him painting in public. Maybe the paint on his windshield or rear view mirrors is a hazard. Oh no, Jacob gets pulled over for no fucking license plate light! Who gets pulled over for no license plate light? You have to have your license plate lit up? For real?
He explains to me that since he was driving with a suspended drivers license they could have impounded his car for 30 days but “these guys were really cool, mom” and they said he can pick his car up in 24 hours.
Here’s where the Einstein part kicks in. How does one think they can pick up a car from impound when one has no drivers license, tags or insurance?
Oh and it gets better. He wants to borrow money and could I drive him to the ATM right now? Um, what was your name again? I told him he can spend the night, Joseph can take him tomorrow to see if he can even get his car, find out what it is going to cost and then have his people call my people around noon.
I had a hundred bucks ear marked for Darwin to get his nuts cut off on Thursday, but now I’m having serious reservations about my own contribution to the gene pool.
Shh, don’t tell anyone, but I’m beginning to suspect we don’t have a deep end.
Posted by Becky on February 19, 2009
Which I thought was appropriate since this week love is in the air. Started off with Sean and then Jacob caught the bug. Yesterday, he asked me to go with him to buy Yesenia a ring and he picked this out all on his own so he really didn’t need me. The Sales Lady was so nice. She explained to Jacob how to tell a diamond with some gizmo that you touch to each diamond. And after they heard that he was buying it for his girlfriend with his unemployment check they brought the price down. Very nice people at Lumina Jewelers in Camarillo.
Now, my picture does not do it justice. I had no idea diamonds were so difficult to photograph. I haven’t heard back the details, (typical) but today was her birthday so I don’t know how or when he gave it to her or what her reaction was. These are vital details.
And now for a puppy update. I have started to give them a puppy food mush at night as Sadie has refused them their middle of the night feeding and who can blame her. They are very active and run around the house when we take them out of the pool. They are not shy and are already using the puppy pads, which I should have bought stock in. So here they are at three weeks.
This one I’ve dubbed Darwin as he was born the yearDarwine would have been 200 years old and Darwin made many discoveries on a boat named “The Beagle”. And as you can see I’ve taken a shine to the pup.
“Uncle Blue” is now on the spot sooner than Sadie if he hears a puppy cry. Somehow Sadie knows the difference between I’m hungry, I’m scared and I want you. She’s very much into tough love. And Blue just can’t stand it when they fuss. And he is so careful not to step on them it’s comical to watch. He reminds me of a horse around them. I mean, really, he’s huge.
Papa Hank even oversees playtime and cleans them. It is the cutest thing, because he goes to lick them and flips them over. 
All they do is sleep, eat and play which is as life should be.
Posted by Becky on January 30, 2009
Jacob and JJ came over today so after going to see my mom, and letting her see him crawl for the first time, we went to the beach.
I really love this picture with the islands in the background and can’t wait to teach JJ how to body surf like I did my own boys.
He wasnt’ too fond of the sand though.
So daddy dusted him off.
Then we went and had chile rellanos for lunch and stopped by Anacapa Fine Yarns and he got to visit with the ladies while I got Jacob’s approval on some yarn before I bought it.
Then we went home and played with puppies.
This puppy is called Lucky because he looks like he has a four leaf clover on his back.
Posted by Becky on December 14, 2008
First silly hat from Grandma.
First time seeing his uncle in a doo-rag.
First tree trimming.
First pony ride.
First bowl of ham hocks and beans.
I am happy to report he was not severly damaged by his uncle in a doo rag.
But they later had a heart-to-heart and Uncle Joseph agreed to wear a beanie OVER the doo-rag until his hair grows in.
First refusal to wear ridiculous items.
Posted by Becky on October 27, 2008
I completely forgot to post the pictures of my family get together. Maybe there’s some Freudian explanation. Okay so here we are in all our glory.
My brother Michael Dale who is a stand in for Walter Brimley
Patti Sue, Rebecca Kim and Connie Lynn
(apparently red hair is in this year and I didn’t get the memo)
Diann Lou and Michael. She had more shoes than Imelda Marcos and she packed a different watch for every day of the week. Seriously, I don’t see how I am related to these women.
As usual, I’m getting bossed around by somebody older than me.
JJ discovered animal hair and Hank was patient
In no time at all he’ll be wearing his pets, just like his dear old dad.
My Crew and every one of them had a hang over so Roger made Bloody Mary’s with cilantro.
Mike and Connie. These two were once mortal enemies. When they were kids, she hit him over the head with a hammer when they were in a tree!
Jacob’s first impersonation-Stewie from The Family Guy
Sadie – You should see her in the laundry room during the spin cycle.
Posted by Becky on September 2, 2008
I fell like I have been cooking nonstop! Started Friday after Joseph and I watched the movie “Tortilla Soup” So, we had to have some. And Mmmmmmmmmmm it was good
We had that for supper Friday night. And everybody was over for Sunday for breakfast of Posole. Thank you Lisa for you recipe, btw. Joseph requested Nacho Night which I use to do when the boys were little and I guess they never grow up. So, naturally Jacob shows up with ribs.! So, naturally he will annoy me for all eternity. Joseph got his wisdom teeth pulled today so naturally when I went to drive him to the DDS my truck wouldn’t start. Lynn, my neighbor, was kind enough to lend us her car and off we went and John put in a new starter. Ca ching! Oh, and on Thursday my Mom got to hold Baby Jacob for the first Time.
So there she is holding the chunky monkey. He weighs 16 pounds now she didn’t hold him for long or her angina kicks in. She’s decided after speaking with the doctor not to do anything about her heart at the moment. The Dr. wants to do an angiogram and most likely angioplasty. She’s done those twice before, but both times the plaque that was dislodged caused a stroke. One in the eye and one in the brain stem, so she’s not looking forward to another one and I don’t blame her. She is going to think about it, but like she said it’s “her body and it’s her choice”. Yes mother!
So, today I am home with Joseph while he recupperates from having all four wisdom teeth pulled. Poor kick looks like he’s in a lot of pain. I gave him a bell and he hasn’t rang it once, but Hank is keeping him company. I made him homemade macaroni and cheese. I figured that would be soft.
Little John had Posole for the first time on Sunday and I have no pictures to share as they ate it all and Big John didn’t even get any.
And as you can see I didn’t get to hold the baby much.
But I did finish the socks and now I started on another blanket. It’s a basket weave with organic cotton. Well, I better go check on my patient. I’m really excited that he can’t smoke for four weeks and am hoping he will quit. And Lisa, Dr. Stout IS cute.
Posted by Becky on July 24, 2008
If you don’t have kids yet, I suggest you get a pet instead, because they are a pain in the you-know-what. Now, I don’t really mean that but I do have my moments.
Like last night for example. Joseph leaves the house around 8 ish for the liquor store on his skateboard. He goes there every day on his skate board sometimes several times a day to get anything from toilet paper to Popsicles to cigarettes to gasp, liquor! So last night he leaves (I’m making a bagel) and then I get back to my knitting and I hadn’t realized how long he’s been gone until I hear a siren wailing in the distance and it’s getting closer and closer and it stops right about the intersection of Arniel and Ponderosa which coincidently is where I almost got ran over in the crosswalk by the Citizen Patrol. This is where Joseph crosses to go to the liquor store. So, I look at the clock and realize he’s been gone for over an hour. I get up to see if he’s in the garage with John and he hasn’t seen him. Now, I’m really worried as anyone with a child can relate to whether they are 8 or 28. And with Joseph, if it can happen, it will. This child has been jumped by Mexican’s who thought he was a skin head and in a gang in Camarillo. He was run over and almost killed by a women who had had a stroke while driving (what are the odds) I’ve been in the emergency room with this kid ever since he learned how to pull the drawers out and make stairs and he ate a bottle of vitamins with iron (internal bleeding at age 3) He broke his collar bone on his bike (age 10), split his chin clean open (age 12) and puked in the ER which caused a chain reaction. Multiple lacerations (age 18) and those are just to name a few.
So, when I found myself driving the streets last night after hearing said sirens I just started cracking up when I thought if I approached someone and asked if they’d seen my son on a skateboard they would assume he was this little guy and not 28 and 220 lbs and think I was some kind of nut or he was little bus special. Do I call the police, I wondered? Then I thought, no that seems hysterical so I’ll call his brother instead. I call Roger and wake him up and he hasn’t seen or heard from Joseph. So Roger suggest maybe he went to Martin’s house. Roger calls Martin and there is no answer. Now, I worry some more and have Roger worried as well. Two hours go by and I’ve played Mah Jong until I can see straight and Hank won’t leave my side. Finally the phone rings again and it’s Roger and he’s pissed. He found Joseph at Martin’s and they never heard the phone ring and Roger is mad at Joseph for worrying me and not telling me where he was. Then the phone rings again and it’s Joseph and he tells me he’s spending the night at Martins’ and he loves me and he’s sorry I worried and he figured I would KNOW he was at Martin’s. “I mean where else would I be?” he said.
Hmmm Let’s see, jail, ER, Dead in a Ditch (my mother’s personal all time favorite), kidnapped by men with candy, abducted by aliens, stabbed, (we’ve had two random stabbings in Camarillo in the last month) the morgue. I can go on and on.
So, as soon as I found out he was alright, just rude, I bawled like a baby because I was both relieved he wasn’t hurt and then I wanted to kill him. It’s the strangest phenomenon and should be studied.
I wonder if it would be justifiable homicide, you know, like an act of passion. Yeah, I think that just might work and where the fuck is my axe??????
PS Hank is unaccustomed to seeing me leak and after he licked my tears he hid under the bed,shaking, he wouldn’t come back to bed until John got in bed.
Posted by Becky on June 30, 2008
Yesterday, we were sitting around in the library chatting and JJ kept starring up at the ceiling for the longest time.
His uncles, being inquisitive and slightly intoxicated began to wonder what the Little Man was looking at so hard. Finally Joseph hypothesized that Little Man was staring at the ceiling lights thinking they were 
boobies.
Which in turn lead to a chain reaction of uncle Roger cracking a rare smile. And daddy having a proud inebriated, parental moment.
The proud parents
Yesenia is quite a trooper. She endured Roger trying to get JJ to memorize his phone number and practice pick-up lines as he’s a better babe magnet than Roger’s Labrador retriever AND she met my mother in the same day. Mother did quiz her on something to do with electoral college votes and delegates. In an attempt to see if she REALLY was a citizen. OMFG, Roger, Joseph or Jacob couldn’t answer those questions combined AND sober! And mother made an announcement to the boys that Roger and Jacob are not getting $20 this year for their birthdays because they did not thank her for the $25 they got for Christmas, but Joseph remembered to thank her and he was IN JAIL. “So, you can just kiss that $20 good bye.” Said mother.
Meanwhile Joseph would really like us to quit mentioning he was in jail.
So, that will be my last time.
Maybe, but I mean, after all, I am my mothers daughter so I can’t make any promises.
Posted by Becky on June 2, 2008
I’m having a bit of a Doogie Howser moment tonight. You know where at the end of the day you just feel all warm and fuzzy and you need to write in your “computer journal” and this is the closest I have beside my dream journal.
Tonight on the way to get coffee, John told me how he and Joseph had gone to the dump to unload the flatbed. Whilst John and Joseph were dumping various junk a man approached Joseph and asked if the people at the dump would dump your stuff for you. They don’t, BTW. Joseph told the man they didn’t and the man walked away. Joseph then told John he was going to go help the man dump his stuff. john said “whatever” as sometimes people act like they don’t know what to do in order to get other people to do things for them and John thought this was one of those deals. John finished dumping our “stuff” and drove over to where Joseph was and it was then that John noticed the man had severly deformed stubs where his hands should have been. Naturally, at this point John jumped in and helped.
It just made my heart feel good. Cue the music
Posted by Becky on April 5, 2008
My day started out preparing to go to the Baby Shower with showering and shampooing with SUAVE because my regular shampoo was all gone (oh, the inhumanity) only to discover after drying and preparing to apply deodorant that mine was all out and so I am sporting All Spice today. which made me cranky with Jacob for no good reason and then I felt bad.
So, I drive off on over to Rite Aid, but first I had to deposit the check mother gave me for the Car seat because she will be calling the bank until it clears. Jacob lost a birthday check once when he put it in his shoe (he was 12) so mother doesnt’ trust anyone in this family with checks now. Thank you, Jacob. I go to an ATM and deposit the check then I go to Rite aid to buy cards for the Baby Shower and make-up because Jacob hates it when I wear make-up and by gum I swore to myself after his teen years I would fuck with him every chance I had. It’s a mother right you know. For example, I called mother to report that I had deposited the check and she stated how worried she was after she got a glimpse of the paperwork in my wallet and mine looked worse than the wallet George Costanza carted around on Seinfeld.
So, back to Rite Aid. I spot some really cute designer cheater glasses and prom ply poked myself in the eye, complete with a loud *fuck* as anyone who knows me would expect. But there’s just something boreder-line mental case when you curse in public. And naturally the manager came by me three times in different parts of the store to see if I was “doing okay”.
I came home, checked the mail and I’ll be go to hell if my damn auto insurance hasn’t been cancelled because why? Jacob has a suspended drivers license. WTF? He doesn’t even live here!
I should have raised cats! But I take that back. Last night I had a dream and in it Roger told me that he loved Michelle (his new girlfriend). Today he called me and he does!
So, I’ll call State Farm on Monday and straighten out my cancellation and life is good again cuz my boy’s in love.
Now, I’m got to call Sean to remind him Caroline (his new girlfriend) is spending the day with me and he should “be afraid, very afraid” I have pictures of him in a mullet!
